Well, I'm back at it! Today is the start of my first class since the Christmas break in Mid-December. Since I had to take off so much time with the move, I had to re-enroll and fill out new financial aid (which we STILL don't qualify for..but don't get me started on that soap box!) So, I have to fill out paper work for aid I know we won't get because the government requires it before I can be approved for loans! ugh.. but its done. Then I just had to pay for those lovely text books, go buy new supplies, organize my schedule for the rest of the year so the school knows how much to charge me... and sit in on a conference call with my advisor and financial aid officer to determine how many classes I can "afford" this year! why am I going back to school again??
But, now I "get" to start classes... My parents will love to hear that I NOW value the free education that was high school! I know that's amusing, but I guess that's why they call it hindsight. I got a bill the other day for my first year and with the "estimated" interest, if I choose to pay over 119 months.. I owe 10,376.82 for my first year of school... I only have three more left... please don't do the math and report back! I enjoy school, I really do. I am glad I chose to do this for me and hope that I will be able to get a job in the field I want when I am done and that this will all be worth it. but there are days, like today when I look at the laundry that needs to be done and the errands stacking up on my calendar, the books, notebooks and papers piled up for me to read and the reminder of how many nights this week Ill be up till 3 am writing the 3 papers I have due this week. In these moments I truly wonder if I made a big mistake, if I stepped to far out on the ledge with no way back in? What was I thinking? There are reasons 17 year olds go to college! No one is yelling about socks, or complaining because its 7 pm and you are so involved in your paper you forgot that people were waiting for you to feed them!
Then, Adam sent me a text the other day that said, "I'm so proud of how hard you work and how dedicated you are to finishing school." Crap! Now, I have to suck it up and move forward! =0)
I know it sounds as if I am complaining, I truly am not. At least I don't mean to be complaining. Life, just seems to be hard enough, and I hope that this choice does not make my family suffer, that they don't end up feeling like I wasn't there for them because I waited so long to do this. I know at the end there is a light and that once I am working in this field, Ill be happy and able to contribute to our family! YAY ME!
In the meantime, Ill be sneaking in four chapters a week of reading between groceries and bath time, and writing papers while listening to the hum of the dishwasher and sounds of the quite house while everyone sleeps! Maybe, if nothing else, the girls will find the value of education and take advantage of learning before life really begins to happen!
On a side note, we are starting to meet new people. We have had a couple of people over and I've been out of the house a couple of times. It feels weird, like I'm interviewing for a position and I hate that. I think it takes me a long time to open up and be myself around people, as odd as it is to say about me, I'm shy like that! SO, meeting new people is always very hard for me.. well not meeting, but connecting! Every time I meet someone else, they get compared to me best friend who I miss so much! I try not to do this, but its so hard not to compare people to the girl who became much like my sister. I'm finding it hard to call and talk to my friends back in Nevada, since I always want to cry when I think about them... I guess avoiding it doesn't make it better!!
On one hand, I feel silly for missing my friends so much, like a little kid who misses there friend at summer camp. But, I guess you have to understand that I have not lived near my family in over 8 years, so it's always been Adams family around us. In the absence of my family, I had my friends. Our friends and us spent nearly every weekend together, several nights a week, and most holidays together. We went camping together, to events and to dinner. We've watched each others kids grow and have shared in happy times and the loss of loved ones together, much like a family. I don't let many people "in" , so for me, it really does feel like I've lost something. I know that I have not and in time, it will be easier. I think for now its still the shock of moving so far away and everything about our lives changing.
The good thing is we are closer to some of my family and we going to spend Easter with my brother and his family. The first holiday we have spent with them since Makenzie's first Christmas. My mom and her husband are also coming down, so it will be the first time my mom will have all her grand kids around at the same time. So, It's nice we are able to do that now. Its still about a 5 hr drive for us and about 3 for my mom., but its better than the two and three day drives we had before!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Some days you just FEEL like a bad mom!
Well, I know I am not a bad mom.. there are days I have questioned that, but, I know I can take my girls anywhere and know will behave. They get good grades, don't get into real trouble and are loving children.. yet there are days, when you just throw your hands up and think.. that was it.. that was the moment that will send my kids into therapy for years to come!
I know every mom has those moments and Im not unique to these thoughts.. but in those moments, you just know you've failed.
Yesterday.... I had one of those moments!
Alexandra had a dentist apt that she has been freting over for a week. Last summer Makenzie had 4 teeth pulled, so I think she thought she was in for it too. I have been trying to get her to understand it was just a routine thing and not to worry. So, we went to her apt at 2 pm.. when we got there 30 min early.. I thought we were in great shape.. BUT from the waiting room we could a little kid screaming.. Alexandra was getting nervous, but she was okay still. Turns out it was a 3 yr old with 4 cavities (thats a whole nother frustration with me) anyhoo they had nearly ALL the techs in there "helping" the dr.. They finally got her back there and xrayd and cleaned her teeth. took all of 10 min. THEN we waited, and waited and waited... I looked down at my watch and to my horror realized we had in fact been there for an hr and a half! OMG! I called Adam to find out where he was (over an hr away)and me over 30 min away... and Makenzie...getting home in 15 min!
I told the dental tech I had to go and they kept piddleing around and I finally said, " I HAVE AN 8 YR OLD AT HOME NOW ALONE AND IM 30 MIN AWAY I HAVE TO GO!!!"
They finally let me leave! We RAN to the car and drove home as fast as I could with out getting a ticket and pulled into the drivway.. Makenzie was sitting on the porch (with our 18 yr old nieghbor girl) she looked up, seen me and burt into tears... It was one of those moments where I got out of my car, knelt down next to her and just started saying I am soooooo sorry!!!!!
It just broke my heart! She said, there were no cars, but I hoped daddys car was in the garage, I knocked and rang the doorbell and no one was here.. I didnt know where you were and I thought you forgot me...
it was terrible, I felt like such a bad mother! There wasnt really anything I could do to make her understand how bad I felt.. But, I told her we would get her a house key so she could awalys get in the house! ugh..
The neighbor girl told her she did a responsible thing by going to the neighbors house where some one was home, but Makenzie didnt care, she was hurt that I forgot her (even though I didnt). BUT Alexandra did not have any cavities!! YAY for me
Makenzie of course is just fine.. but Im sure Ill flub up more stuff before she turns 24 and begins therapy lol.
On a side note, there is a bird.. who gets rather vocal when we leave the house.. shes been living in a bush in the front by the door, and gets quite upset at us when we leave the house, flying on top of the house and freaking out! This bush is about chest high to me, but there is indeed a nest in the bush, we check it out (with out touchig it) everytime we leave the house, I just knew she wouldnt put eggs in there, since we pass by there so often, but the girls thought it was so neat that we could see a real birds nest. SO after the "ordeal" yesterday, Jacqueline came running over yelling, " WE HAVE EGGS!!!!" sure enought the bird layed two blue speckled eggs in the nest.. the girls think its great, and I think it will be cool to watch once the babies are born... but I feer that now that theyre ARE eggs, the mother is going to be even more angry at us when we leave the house.. so I am hoping we dont get attacked by mamma bird!
I have some pictures I have taken, Ill get them up soon
I know every mom has those moments and Im not unique to these thoughts.. but in those moments, you just know you've failed.
Yesterday.... I had one of those moments!
Alexandra had a dentist apt that she has been freting over for a week. Last summer Makenzie had 4 teeth pulled, so I think she thought she was in for it too. I have been trying to get her to understand it was just a routine thing and not to worry. So, we went to her apt at 2 pm.. when we got there 30 min early.. I thought we were in great shape.. BUT from the waiting room we could a little kid screaming.. Alexandra was getting nervous, but she was okay still. Turns out it was a 3 yr old with 4 cavities (thats a whole nother frustration with me) anyhoo they had nearly ALL the techs in there "helping" the dr.. They finally got her back there and xrayd and cleaned her teeth. took all of 10 min. THEN we waited, and waited and waited... I looked down at my watch and to my horror realized we had in fact been there for an hr and a half! OMG! I called Adam to find out where he was (over an hr away)and me over 30 min away... and Makenzie...getting home in 15 min!
I told the dental tech I had to go and they kept piddleing around and I finally said, " I HAVE AN 8 YR OLD AT HOME NOW ALONE AND IM 30 MIN AWAY I HAVE TO GO!!!"
They finally let me leave! We RAN to the car and drove home as fast as I could with out getting a ticket and pulled into the drivway.. Makenzie was sitting on the porch (with our 18 yr old nieghbor girl) she looked up, seen me and burt into tears... It was one of those moments where I got out of my car, knelt down next to her and just started saying I am soooooo sorry!!!!!
It just broke my heart! She said, there were no cars, but I hoped daddys car was in the garage, I knocked and rang the doorbell and no one was here.. I didnt know where you were and I thought you forgot me...
it was terrible, I felt like such a bad mother! There wasnt really anything I could do to make her understand how bad I felt.. But, I told her we would get her a house key so she could awalys get in the house! ugh..
The neighbor girl told her she did a responsible thing by going to the neighbors house where some one was home, but Makenzie didnt care, she was hurt that I forgot her (even though I didnt). BUT Alexandra did not have any cavities!! YAY for me
Makenzie of course is just fine.. but Im sure Ill flub up more stuff before she turns 24 and begins therapy lol.
On a side note, there is a bird.. who gets rather vocal when we leave the house.. shes been living in a bush in the front by the door, and gets quite upset at us when we leave the house, flying on top of the house and freaking out! This bush is about chest high to me, but there is indeed a nest in the bush, we check it out (with out touchig it) everytime we leave the house, I just knew she wouldnt put eggs in there, since we pass by there so often, but the girls thought it was so neat that we could see a real birds nest. SO after the "ordeal" yesterday, Jacqueline came running over yelling, " WE HAVE EGGS!!!!" sure enought the bird layed two blue speckled eggs in the nest.. the girls think its great, and I think it will be cool to watch once the babies are born... but I feer that now that theyre ARE eggs, the mother is going to be even more angry at us when we leave the house.. so I am hoping we dont get attacked by mamma bird!
I have some pictures I have taken, Ill get them up soon
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